What do they say when you walk out the door?

Aren't we all experts on our friends lives? We know what their "issues" are, how much their "baggage" weighs, and we are also blessed with the solutions to all of their problems. If only we had the guts to tell them.

In an interview with Dr. Phil, he said that he had left private practice because of his frustration with clients that wanted to stay clients, even after he had given them clear advice on how to solve their problems. They didn't really want to bring and end to their woes, just talk about them. Every week. For 50 minutes. With him.

What about you? Would you want to put an end to your business, career or personal troubles if offered a solid solution?

Several years ago, I hit a point in my life where nothing seemed to be working. My career and family life were out of balance, I didn't feel very well, my business was growing but not in ways I expected or was prepared for. I kept tweaking the formula of my attention and nothing seemed to work. I did something that sounds simple, but it simply wasn't done.

I surveyed the people in my life that spent the most time with me: friends, family, co-workers, employees and individually asked them this: Imagine that you are gathered with my circle of friends. I come in all cranky about my life, and then leave the room. What would you all agree on that I needed to change or do with my life. I asked them to be blunt.

I did this with 4 or 5 people. They all had the exact same answer. Some of these people had never met each other, but they all knew me. Guess what? I did what they suggested and it worked. It took a long time for me to go through the process, but I did it and I am 100% happier and healthier.

Does your life seem a wee bit out of whack? Try it. Ask them "What do people say about me when I walk out the door?" It usually starts with something like "If she could just stop going back to that man!" or "Why doesn't she just tell her mother she can't send her anymore money?" or "Stop writing prisoners!".

If all of your peeps say that you should start a business, do it! If they all say you should quit that job, maybe their perspective gives them something you should listen to. You are surrounded by advisors, make an appointment!

Imagine! The Joy of Backward Thinking!

Imagine that it is the year 2015 and you are in a courtroom. You are well dressed but your feet hurt. You are there to finalize matters with creditors at your bankruptcy hearing. Huh?!? How did THAT happen?

Imagine that it is the year 2020 and you are in a courtroom. You are well dressed but your feet hurt. You are there for the final dissolution of your marriage. Huh?! How the heck did THAT happen?

Take a few moments to consider what events most likely happened in your near future as the building blocks to the disastrous outcomes above. What could you have done to prevent these things? What is well within your control that you maybe neglect or get too busy for that may  prevent such dreadful outcomes.

For many of us, looking backward is easier than looking forward. I suggest you use this exercise to look back from your future. This is a great way to rethink your own behavior before it leads to disaster. The beautiful thing about this backward/forward vision is that you can utilize it to prevent failures and also to get you closer to your desired goals. 

Imagine that it is the year 2016 and your are writing the tuition check to your kid's college of choice for a full year. Today, you have enough in the college savings account to pay for a tank of gas. Visualize how you get there in just 6 years time. You can still do this, you have 6 years!!!!

Imagine the day you retire from the career you love. Visualize the hobbies and travel that can become your daily life. Now is the time to plan that future.

Companies routinely use this backward thinking in their strategic planning for future growth. See the goal and work backward, planning the action steps, resources needed, etc... to get them there.

The next time somebody accuses you of backwards thinking, say "Why yes, thank you!".

Mary Rogers

Connecting the Dots

Thanks to all who commented on my July 5th blog about finding my sweet spot (that whole career/family/self balance point) and how I could deliver the message of a scaled back picture of success in a speech to Detroit women business owners in a few months. What insightful readers and writers this blog has! Please go back and read the comments, it will be very worth your time.

One of my concerns about this speech is that these business owners are up against a monster of a bad economy. My Little Mary Sunshine message of "Hey, maybe where you are RIGHT NOW is just fine" felt a bit uncomfortable for me. 

Bill Marsh Jr, of Bill Marsh Auto Group read my blog and was good enough to send me a  speech given by executive coach and speaker Connie Podesta of Texas. I took away many ideas from Connie's remarks. One that I thought most worth sharing is this: We rarely question our happiness when all is going well: customers are beating a path to our door, employees are happy and productive, vendors are meeting your demands, etc... Rather, it is when sales have dumped, you can't meet payroll, and vendors have turned into creditors that unless you really love what you are doing and have a clear priority to succeed at it, work just sucks.

When I started doing the Mary in the Morning Show, the general manager of the station told me that the first day I found myself not wanting to get out of bed at 4AM would be the day to hand in my resignation. It messes up your family life and plain old hurts too much to wake up that early if you aren't excited to get to work. After 3 years, I completely understand what he was telling me. There is no way that I would sacrifice normal life for this job if it was anything less than the most fun job imaginable.

So, the message here is: If in this rotten economy you have lost the love for your business, career or job, you probably never really loved it all that much. Time to reevaluate what makes you happy, good times or bad, and get moving in that direction.

Would you like fries with that?

No matter what type of business you are in, the old truism stands: Nothing happens until someone sells something. You may be the best at what you do, but if you avoid selling, you are dead in the water. If prospecting isn't your idea of fun, and let's face it, who among us enjoys cold calling, maybe there is another way to boost your selling. 

Before you get a cold call panic attack, let's maximize each sale that comes in the door now. Fast food companies are the ultimate marketers of selling more than the customer plans to buy. "Would you like fries with that?" or, " Would you like to Super Size that for just a dollar more?" Why not apply the same philosophy to how you service your current clients? 

Keep them in the Family

Do you have related products or services to your core business? Begin today to offer them with every sale! Consider packaging or bundling products and services with different names (Silver, Gold, Platinum). Example: Siding installers can offer power washing. Call it what you want but offer an add-on of 3 annual power washings and free inspections. 

Get a Commitment

Do your customers need your services repeatedly? Example: Hair stylists... Offer an annual hair care package of a cut every 8 weeks, color every 16 weeks, nail service and a $50 retail credit for products. Discount it for advance purchase or throw in a labor only expense such as unlimited brow waxing.

There's a place down the road...

Could you expand your line of products or services. Here's an exercise: What type of referrals do your salespeople make most often to another business. Why pass revenue to someone else's cash register. If you are a window cleaning service, think about adding screen repair. If you are a travel agent, consider a house or pet sitting service.

It's that time of year

Check in with customers as they near the anniversary date of their last purchase. Your business may be seasonal, or the customer always calls you in October because that is when their birthday reminds them of your service, in any case, take advantage of the opportunity to call and check in. Even if it is just to "see how things are". It is a chance to tell them about new offerings that may be of interest.

Your current clients are the easiest path to larger revenues. Before you embark on a prospecting campaign, be certain that all staff with customer contact are looking for sales potential of current buyers and that they have a menu of offerings.

Good luck and get selling!,
Mary

Men in bras

In 1986, I was charged with establishing The Women's Business Council of a local chamber of commerce. As the staff member leading a group of member volunteers, it was my role to implement the member's vision of the Board of Directors directive to serve the needs of women in the business community. I was filled with a passion for celebrating modern empowered women. I came to my first meeting with the group armed with a folder full of workshop and speaker ideas on accessing capital, establishing gender-neutral employee policies, sexual harassment awareness programs, etc... All designed to provide cutting edge information and strategies to liberate us from the oppression of the patriarchal business culture. The group wanted to host a fashion show.  I wanted to cry.

"No!" I railed. I probably said something like "Over my dead body", but I can't be sure, it is a blur, a big pink blur. But I am sure that I tried something along the lines of..."Ladies, we have been given an opportunity to be taken seriously, to rise above the ranks of the secretarial pool, we must provide programming that not only serves women but sends a message to the entire community that women in business must to be taken SERIOUSLY!!!!! They stared at me. "Oh".

Keep in mind that my manila folder full of ideas was the ONLY accessory to my plain blue suit with sensible flat-heeled shoes and understated (if even existent) jewelry. We were dressing like men so that we would be treated like men. Those of us at the helm of the womens' business movement were denying our every feminine quality.

Twenty-five years later, I would host a fashion show without a second thought. In fact, Mary in the Morning and Marigold are the proud sponsors of the National Cherry Festival's Royal Pageant of Fashion . Whodathunkit? So what's changed? We can now be WOMEN instead of men in bras.

The worlds of feminism and fashion have always clashed. When I think of an over-the-top hard-core feminist I see a hairy arm-pitted woman in no make up with stringy, if not un-brushed hair. She's not prettying herself up for a man! Well, the message is she's not prettying up for ANYBODY! 

Nowadays, I'm perfectly comfortable expressing myself through fashion and beauty as a complement to what I have to contribute to a conversation. I see a fashion show as an opportunity to preview what is available in stores to help save me precious time when I need or want a new outfit. I am definitely not a fashion plate and consider myself to be fashion-challenged, so for me, a fashion show is like spell check, preventing me from making gaffes that would be potentially embarrassing to "Brand Mary".

I hope to see you at The Royal Pageant of Fashion!

Change Your Plans for Thursday!

Whatever your plans may be for Thursday morning, you will want to change them. At 7:30AM you want to be by a radio, tuned in to my conversation with Donna. Donna? Yes, Donna. She's going to say some things that may shock you, may make you uncomfortable, but I guarantee that you will be talking about her for the rest of the day.

Donna Estes Antebi has written a book, The Real Secrets Women Only Whisper, The 21st Century Woman's Guide to Success and Survival - including dirty tricks every woman needs to know! 

The book is not being released until this fall, but I have an advance copy. Now, keep in mind that I get a pile of books each and every week from publishers and publicists wanting to get their author on Mary in the Morning. I've become very discerning in deciding who I feels has something new, relevant and original to lend to my show. Since first picking up this book about a month ago, I've thought about it every single day. I've given it to friends to read and review, and despite her Keep This Book Away From Men warning on the cover, I've given it to men and listened to their ideas as well.. Everyone who reads it is somewhat shocked, somewhat jarred, but all are impacted.  

Last week I caught up with Donna by phone at her office in Los Angeles. We spoke for an hour or so about our adult sons and their choices of women, WEEDS (her term for younger women stealing married men and destroying families), the swinging pendulum and backlash of feminism on the role of men. It was fascinating conversation. 

She'll tell you to just stop being a bitch to your husband, why to sign a pre-nup, why not to sleep with men you wouldn't marry, how to be a Cleo instead of a Cougar,why it's okay for your man to dress badly, and why you will never be Oprah.

I will interview her on Wednesday afternoon, it will air on Thursday at 7:30am. We do have a few copies to give away to listeners, but don't expect me to give up mine!

What Mary thinks of Dr. Laura

Last month YOU-FM, the home of Mary in in the Morning, switched to an all talk format. Will it be a ratings coup? A bomb? It will be a couple years before we know for sure, but the line-up of shows has certainly gotten some tongues wagging. I'm thoroughly enjoying the comments I'm getting from listeners.

The reaction so far has been completely random from love to hate, very little middle ground here. The prime time line-up includes the Queen of the Left, Stephanie Miller who airs immediately after Mary in the Morning; Dave Ramsey the Live Debt Free guru who brings Jesus into the conversation with callers quite comfortably; the acerbic Dr. Laura is there for your afternoon drive, followed by rightie-pants Jerry Doyle.

When I'm out and about I'm asking people their thoughts on the line-up, 90 percent of the time the conversation leads to: "Mary, what do YOU think of Dr. Laura?" This is a very polarizing question, or at least I think it is meant to be. If you say they you like Dr. Laura, people can fit you into a box full of assumptions (pro-life, anti-gay, women should stay home with the kids, blah, blah, blah) So here you have it: I love Dr. Laura for being Dr. Laura. I don't agree with many of her positions on how we humans run our lives, but I do respect and cheer for her decision to not be politically correct.

This woman has balls.  Dr. Laura filters her callers questions through a simple filter of right and wrong, black or white, her way the highway. She doesn't have the inclination or interest or time to sugar coat it. She gives her opinion. And that is why people continue to call and take the abuse. She makes the drama of our lives so simple. Do this, goodbye, Next caller....

Even when I'm disagreeing with her, calling her names, rolling my eyes at the radio, I am completely and thoroughly enjoying myself. I try to catch at least part of her show every day. We seem at times to be a nation of very stupid people, and Dr. Laura is one of the only brave voices out their.

Most importantly, Dr. Laura has been on the scene long enough that every caller to her show should know what to expect. She is so predictable that she couldn't possibly be accused of ambushing anybody. Simplistic? Yes. Heartless? Perhaps. Ambivalent? Never!

Tune in to Dr. Laura daily 3-6PM and let me know your thoughts on her show.

Mary

Trash Talk Recycling

Would you tell Barb what Jill said about her if you were certain that Barb was going to confront Jill using you as her source of information? Confused? Let's make it a story problem.

You and Barb have been close friends for years, you support each other through thick and thin, working on community projects together, helping with each others garage sales, you are known for being best friends. Jill, an acquaintance of both of yours tells you that she thinks Barb's decision to keep chairing the Festival of Bird Baths is ridiculously but predictably selfish and that it's time Barb passed the torch to another member of the Babes for Bird Baths Association. She has plenty more to say about your friend Barb, but realizes she's getting a chilly reception and clams up.

All too often, we pass this sort of trash talk along to the "trashed", but forbid them from telling the "Jills" of the world who spilled the beans.  This leaves Barb insulted and powerless (probably the worst one-two combo in the world). Here's my view of this: If you aren't completely comfortable being quoted on your reporting of trash talk, keep it to yourself. Or better yet, tell the Jill to take a hike. "You are talking about my friend and I don't like it".

It seems to me, when we pass along an insult in the spirit of "I thought you should know....", but haven't...

1. had the guts to confront the trash talker yourself and defended your friend; and
2. given your friend your permission to cite you the source

...you leave her in the position to doubt YOUR friendship. I sure would.

This happened to a good friend of mine recently and as she told me the details, my very first question was: Why in the world did she tell you this? And she swore you to secrecy, that you could never mention it? Huh? Who is the queen of mean here?

If this sounds like high school junk, I agree. As we get older and wiser(?), the stakes get higher with careers and families in the balance. Let's all stand up for each other when we hear this junk, and to the betrayed: the favor of not retelling the story.

Lady Campers!

Is it always such a good idea to get out of your comfort zone? When you get that "uncomfortable" feeling, isn't that a message to re-evaluate your circumstances and plan the exit strategy? Or does it mean that you are growing? Growing is supposed to be good for you I hear.

Here's the story: My family wants to go camping. Yes, camping. Outside. In the woods. I've gotten this far in life with "Just Say No".  Camping just isn't my thing, and yes I say that for all the girlie reasons that you would expect. I'm not proud.

I recently made the mistake of adding a caveat to the whole camping issue: OK, I will go, IF: We go with another family of veteran-campers who have kids and all the equipment to make it something I ATTEND not CREATE. I don't know how to camp. I'm certain that other women like myself have been initiated into camping and have figured out all the tricks to make it fun for kids and grown-up sorts.

Just like when you negotiate with God and tell him you'll never eat chocolate again if he could just make that police officer pass you on the highway and pull over the the car ahead of you, my wish has been granted and just such a family has invited us to go into the woods with them. In fact, two families have come forward. They have the equipment. My family looks at me with  raised eyebrows and they smirk at me. I am cornered. I want my chocolate back.

So lady campers... send me your secret tricks to make camping a magical family experience...please!

Is there anything new to say about Work/Family Balance?

The very worst guest on Mary in the Morning is the "expert" that points out a very serious issue and then spends the next 15 minutes of valuable airtime saying exactly that, over and over and over. This issue is SOO important. No innovative solution, no 3 step plan to make things better. Just a reiteration of why the topic is so important and even more annoyingly, how important it is that you resolve this issue... or else here's the bad news: (fill in the blank). BUT NO ANSWERS WE CAN USE.

Whenever I hear from a publicist about an author who has tackled the Work vs. Family Balance issue, I ask to see the book before agreeing to the booking. I have yet to read anything new on the topic. There are some guiding principles that we are all familiar with:

1. Learn to say no
2. Delegate at home and work
3. Demand support for your career from family members
4. Work for a company that supports family-friendly policies
5. Approach your career phases as seasons, relating to the demands of your family over a period of time

Beyond these basics, I have yet to hear anything ground-breaking or even interesting on the topic. I just crave my Calgon Take Me Away moment when I consider the issue. I just read an e-mail from a listener who would like more conversation on the Mary in the Morning show about family/work balance. She is hopeful that other listeners will have great ideas that they could share with each other. Have I become cynical and skeptical? I predict a morning of dead air.

This is a challenge for every woman I know and I have come to believe that there exists a unique approach for every woman. No one-size-fits-all answer. Some of us get it and some of us spend way too much of our time feeling inadequate and a disappointment to others.

Our mothers blazed the trail for us, gaining entry to many career fields that were closed to us. They told us we could be anything we wanted and we did it! But we haven't figured out how our families are going function if we aren't there. Carol the Corporate Wonder thinks that her 11 year-old daughter will be so proud of Mom for being the first woman in her company to be promoted to Regional Manager, but in reality, she'd prefer you be home after school to help make banners for swim team. Women go around and around in their minds, trying to remember what is really important and what is not. How much are they willing to sacrifice for their families, how much for their careers? Would your husband's give up your $45,000 salary in exchange for a more relaxed life partner?

Do you have ideas to share? Let's start the conversation here and see where it goes...

Rest and Win!

Ten years ago (post 9/11) the trend was Nesting. In February, I was remarking to my geeky marketing friends that I believed that an upcoming marketing trend would be Resting. My geeky friends scowled at me, thinking I had lost my trend-spotting touch. After all, our culture prizes the go-go-go lifestyle accessorized with speedy technology pushing us to heights of frenzied productivity and madness. 

I held firm. More and more research is showing that without REST, we diminish the returns from our efforts, both cerebral and physical.. Think about your weekends and vacations, restful? I'm not asking are they fun. Are they Restful? Do your body and mind ever, ever, ever get a chance to catch up. Just relax. Do you find yourself creating to-do lists while getting a massage, having sex, trying to fall asleep. Perhaps, you have forgotten how to... rest.

I had put my Rest Marketing Trend  on the upper shelf, out of my reach with a wait and see attitude, until this conversation took place:

Mary: Thank you doctor for taking my call. I'm wondering what I can do to speed up my recovery from surgery?

Doctor: Rest.

Mary: Yes, I understand, but what else? Supplements? Pharmaceuticals? CDs or tapes I can download to my iPod?  Special exercises? A class? Yeah, an expensive Get Better Faster class? I'd like to sign up for that right away!!!

Doctor: Rest and time are the only two things you need. And maybe more sleep.

Mary: Tell me, please, that you are kidding.

Doctor: Mary, all you need is rest.

Now not every one needs to recover from surgery, but I think we are all going to start getting the message from health and mental wellness folks that what we need, in order to be more of whatever we are trying to be, is, in fact, rest.

I predict that:

• You will see products launching to help us get better rest, like Zeo, your personal sleep coach. 
• You will learn strategies from the sports world about resting for winning.
• You will begin to hear more about the impact of fatigue on your body and mind.

So my message is twofold: 1) get more rest; and, 2) if you are a marketer, begin to think of how you can bring a promise of rest to your customers and clients.

Your Mary in the Morning Internship Experience

What do you do when you need more staff and the budget master says "No!". You hire interns!!!  If you need college credit, or you are "available for new opportunities", this may be just the way to spend your summer, gaining valuable work experience, references and contacts. You do not need to be interested in a radio career to benefit from the Mary in the Morning Internship Experience. You will be using skills in marketing, research, social media, promotion, entertainment and more. You will also have more fun than any intern deserves, but we can't help that!

Join the Mary in the Morning Show as an unpaid intern.
The Official Mary in the Morning Internship Experience 
Spring/Summer 2010

Title: Mary in the Morning Intern

Location: Traverse City, MI

Job Description: Intern will support Host and Producer of Mary in the Morning.  We are currently offering a unique and exciting internship with Northern Broadcast, including 1067YOU-FM, Marigold and Mary in the Morning.

Approx 25-30 hours per week with some flexibility.

Roles and Responsibilities: Intern will assist in day-to-day activities of creating the Mary in the Morning show with heavy emphasis on show prep including guest/topic research, developing local contacts, and social media.  The vast majority of your duties will be hands on, seat of your pants Mary in the Morning show creation providing support for all behind-the-scenes elements including promotions and programming. During the live show, you will be greeting show guests, making them comfortable, assisting chefs with their gear, getting coffee, pulling audio from internet sources, and generally working in fabulously orchestrated chaos.Yes, you may find yourself ON-THE-AIR, but your primary role will be behind the scenes.

Requirements:

•    Must be computer literate and internet savvy

•    Internships are available to non-students looking for work experience

•    First consideration is given to college students seeking an academic internship for receiving academic credit - it is the applicant's responsibility to set up the internship with the school

•    You must be 18 years of age or older

•    We specialize in lifestyle issues of women age 30-55. Interns must relate to this market segment

•    Must be available in-studio 6AM to 9AM Mon-Fri. for 90 day internship. Interns are invited to, but not required to work off-site events.

How to get this position:

Send an e-mail to Mary@GoMarigold.com including a message of WHY you want to join our team, what you bring to the table and when you can start. Also include a link to a you tube video or article that you think would make a great topic for a segment of the show. Include your resume and contact info!

Which "Jane" are you?

Last week, I spent time interviewing Michele Dekinder Smith, author of See Jane Succeed: Five Types of Female Entrepreneurs Reveal What it Takes to Win in Business and in Life.She contends that female entrepreneurs usually fall into one of 5 types of "Janes". After interviewing over 3,000 of them, she should know.

You can take her assessment at www.janeoutofthebox.com to find out what type of Jane you are. After talking with her, I think she has nailed down the profiles very well. It's worth your time to check out the site and the book. For each of the five "Janes" there are action plans to overcome the unique obstacles to your success. You may find that you are a Merry Jane, a Go Jane Go, a Jane Dough or perhaps, like me, an Accidental Jane.

When I launched Marigold Women in Business in 2004, my end goal was to produce 6 luncheons for women in business, assist a handful of local businesses in reaching that market and replace my very modest income from a part-time position at the Chamber of Commerce.I had achieved that goal within 2 months of conceiving the idea. That is when I accidentally became the force behind a much larger enterprise. The tail started to wag the dog, the horse was out of the barn before I hitched my wagon to it, you know all of the analogies. 

Accidental Janes find themselves running a business that demands more of them than they expected or in some cases, more than they desired. It may sound like a good problem, but requires a re-focusing of her priorities and capabilities.

Many laid off workers are taking on contract work, or freelancing to keep the wolves away from the door. One day she realizes that she has no time to job hunt because she is to busy working. "Wait," she says, "how did that happen?" That's an Accidental Jane.

What type of Jane are you? Click here to find out

The Fair Factor of a Family Business

I've bumped into one topic several times in the past few days and figure that somebody who follows this blog will benefit. "That's not fair", we all say this as kids when a sibling got some thing or privilege that we did not. Where was the equality????? As parents we do try to be fair with our kids and, for the most part, kids expect that their parents will do right by them. Hence the outrage when they experience a violation of the code.

Fast forward to real life where guess what? Life's not always fair, especially in the work place. Is that bad? Can we still cry "That's not fair!" Nowhere does this issue of fairness become a convoluded contest of contestents and judges of equality over performance than in a family owned business. A very wise working partner in a family business pointed out to me that trouble erupts when you apply the same principles of family life to a business culture. It just doesn't work. Compensation and promotion must be based on performance not the membership card to the gene pool.

Not easy to implement when you have siblings or cousins (of any age) working in the business. Just because you own equal equity does not mean equal compensation.

What to do? Three principles to guide family member/owner income from the family business:

1. Family members should share equally in business equity, especially if inherited from parents. Any draws on equity should be handled following strictly agreed to policies that are consistently applied to all family member owners.
2. Compensation (salaries, commissions, bonuses, etc...) for family and non-family should be based on the market value of the employee within your region's economy and circumstances. Inflated salaries for family members will have non-family employees stormin' for the door.
3. Family members not employed by the business should never receive benefits of employment.

These principles will serve you well in times of "That's not fair!". They will also give non-family member employees a sense of fairness. It doesn't matter if you are 8 or 48, we all want to be treated fairly, if not equally. 

Should have posted this sooner!

No, actually, I'm blogging on time... this time. Is procrastination your enemy? I admit that I am a first-class over-achieving procrastinator. I can't wait to bond with my "better later than now" brothers and sisters at Marigold Forum on Thursday 2/18.

For a long time I bought into the research that said procrastination was a game of perfectionism. If there was any doubt that the end result would be less than perfect, we would delay starting the project at all. As with so many other theories, this one is being tossed out the window. I've never been a card-carrying perfectionist so I always wondered about the validity.

Here is my theory on my procrastination, because it seems to get worse as I get older: If I hit a roadblock in my project or chore, where I don't know exactly how to do something, I bail. At least for a time being, because I'm going to need to figure something out. At 46, I seem to think I should know everything I need to know and if it is going to require work (ugh!) to learn something, I put it off because I'd rather spend time doing what I know.Yes, I am ashamed. The strange thing is, I love learning new stuff, but I want to do it on my terms, not out of necessity. 

How about you? Why do you procrastinate? Have you figured out a way to leave this club? Can you come to my house and figure out why I can't view .pdfs anymore?

Post your comments here and please join us at Red Ginger on Thursday 2/18. CLICK HERE TO REGISTER. NOW!

Your friend,

Mary Rogers

“Is it possible that she’s just plain stupid?

We all learned in kindergarten that STUPID is not a word you should ever use, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is the only word that works. Stranger yet, it may be the verdict you hope for.

Have you ever had a client, colleague or co-worker do something to you that was so nasty, unethical, under-handed, sneaky, dishonest, etc… that you had to stop for a moment and think to yourself “Is she just stupid or is she doing this on purpose?”.

My experience is that these moments first prompt head-shaking shock, you say “WHAT?”, as if you can’t comprehend what the person is doing/saying. In most cases you are initially stunned and then seek counsel from others. “Is she just stupid or is she doing this with full knowledge that she’ll be voted off the island for this?” It is the “Just exactly what am I dealing with here?” question.

As mature and polite members of society, we might first seek clarification directly from the offender with a question that sounds something like….   “Do you realize that I’ve worked for 2 years on that account and you are going to take food from my kid’s mouths if you continue this?” 

One of 2 things will happen here: 1) Confession of pure stupidity with profuse apologies for not having grasped the finer implications of her actions; or 2) Stone faced admission of “I don’t give a damn”.

And then the Trial of Character begins.

We seek character witnesses who can shed light on the likeliness of her stupidity or evil greed. Is there a history of other offenses? Any prior convictions? What is the word on the street about this person?

Here is the point in this: How would you stand up to a Trial of Your Character? Would it be the consensus of your peers that you are just being stupid (this is the desirable determination, by the way) or would others have stories about you demonstrating something less than the highest standards of ethics. “Yes Mary, you need to watch out for her”.

In this small town market, the Trial of Character can be completed in less than 10 minutes, without the accused ever knowing it happened. The more questionable the character, the longer the trial tends to last. More conversation, more gossip, more history, more damage…

I was called upon to be a character witness in such a trial this week. My experience with the accused was that she was of high integrity and this really must be a case of stupidity or ignorance or just not getting it. I was shocked to learn that when confronted she pulled the stone faced “I don’t give a damn”. Wow.

The problem with these situations is that now my impression of her is certainly called into question, I can’t really call her up and say “What????”, but I’m still hoping, that she is just stupid. Please just be stupid. Mary Rogers

How NOT to act old

Pamela Redmond Satran has penned a book called How Not to Act Old. I stumbled across her sage advice on More.com, the online version of MORE Magazine which "celebrates" women over 40. Click here to read offending list.

For the 40+ woman concerned that she's actually acting her age, don't do the following:

• Tweet about housework, enjoying time with your mate and family.
• Go to the beach well equipped with gear, food, things you need
• Wear socks to bed with your partner
• Cut your hair short
• Get nostalgic about what happened in the 80s
• Openly discuss hot flashes
• Give advice to young men

Well Ms. Satran, you are entitled to your opinion, and I'm quite sure that there are millions of self-conscious 40+ women getting sucked in, BUT! Damn you More Magazine, when are you going to get it? Size 0 models sporting the fashions we are supposed to desire, the Photo-shopped faces of 40+ women adorning your glossy pages, are making me sick.

Shouldn't celebrating  40+ be focused on celebrating reality? Or have the editors decided that the magazine is about teaching us old broads how to stay 25 or at least wish we could? There is a regular feature called This Is What 50 Looks Like: Madonna. Sure enough, there is a 50 year old female celebrity who has a stylist, personal trainer, nutritionist, full-time Botox administrator, a shelf of wigs photographed through gauze, and we look at her and sigh at our obvious defects.

So now I can't just look old, I also can't ACT OLD????? Hey, here's an idea... maybe More Magazine and Pamela Satran should stop using the word "old" like a dagger and start celebrating women over 40!

Your friend,
Mary Rogers, Age 46

Answer your phone, you'll be amazed!

I met with a business owner friend from out of town last week to help her with some business troubles. Her very established business was feeling the squeeze from discounting internet-based competitors. A secondary concern was lagging employee morale, especially her sales team.

As we casually talked over a few hours, her cell phone was vibrating and beeping and and humming away. Even though I'd told her that I didn't mind if she dealt with business, she never so much as looked at her phone. It was starting to distract me as I grew concerned about why she was so "in demand". She assured me that it was like that 24/7, in fact she encouraged her customers and staff to just text her what they needed. She found it much more efficient to respond to texts, e-mails and voice messages. Her friends, collaegues, and even CUSTOMERS knew she didn't answer her phone. This was how she preferred to do business and run her business.

WHAT??

You can connect the dots between her business troubles and her communication habits. Maybe you are not so extreme, but I wager we can all learn a lesson from my friend. Answer the damn phone! Maybe even place a call yourself to check on a client. How about walking out of your office to a colleague's and asking how they're doing????

I am as guilty as anyone, letting our technology play our gatekeeper. Be careful or you will lose your relationship. When times get tough and everybody is shopping price, your only asset may be "the relationship". That relationship is with you, not your cell phone or Inbox.

Mary Rogers
Mary@GoMarigold.com

What is a Real Woman Part 2

Last week, we began the conversation "What is a Real Woman?", I suggest that you read that post to catch up with us. Readers replied here, on Facebook and in actual human conversation. The Instigator, Brett Gourdie, publisher of  NM3 Magazine has gotten a ton of response to his article "Real Men". So Brett is coming on Mary in the Morning this Thursday, January 14 at 7:30AM to discuss Real Women and take calls (231 929-1067).

Some of the best comments have included:

A Real Woman...doesn't care what she looks like when a child is crying, understands the value in not answering an email, has worn her child's macaroni necklace in public, has decided not to scold her husband at least once, treasures a mysterious conversation with a stranger in an airport bar, has more than one swimsuit that fits, knows where her safe deposit box key is, can do her own taxes, snow blow her own driveway and in a pinch mow the lawn. She can grill a steak, open a bottle of champagne and drag an armoire across the floor using a towel.

and another...

I think that being a Real Woman, if there is such a thing, is about acknowledging the unique power of ones femininity while showing strength and confidence in one's convictions. We have more power at our manicured fingertips than we know what to do with.

and another...

Nurturing, confident, self sufficient. A real woman lets the man open the door and helps with her coat. I real woman is assertive and knows there is never a second chance for a first impression. She balances work, family and community involvement.

 The vast majority of responses included a healthy nod to confidence and respect for herself and others. A real woman is confident in her role as a woman, whatever that may mean to her, and she is ruled by self-respect. What other women may choose for themselves is none of her business and she supports their decision.

I think it is much easier to be a Real Man than a Real Woman. The lines are drawn fairly clearly on the man gig. Women have a much tougher road, with traditional vs. modern roles. Not only must we carve our own path, we may be straying from our mother's path, which was our natural model to follow.All the while feeling quite criticized and judged by others. It is a big no-win, unless you believe 100% in yourself. Unwavering belief.


As for the stories about real men being bullied by women for whom they opened a door for... if these women had more self-confidence, they would see this as a gesture of respect, would smile and say "thank you".


Tune in to Mary in the Morning (106.7FM or 105.5FM or www.1067youfm.com) Thursday, January 14 at 7:30 to hear NM3 publisher, Brett Gourdie and Mary Rogers discuss Real Men vs. Real Women. Phone lines open at 231 929-1067.


 

What is a Real Woman?

Few things can leave me speechless. Not the kind of speechless where you have no comment whatsoever, but the kind of speechless where you have heard something, want to comment or respond, but all you can muster is an jaw-dropped pie hole. I'm looking for input here, from both men and women, so stay with me on this, okay?

Brett Gourdie wrote a great piece in his mag, NM3 about real men. He writes about teaching his son to hold the door for women and he laments the demise of common courtesy and respect in our society. Gourdie then ventures out on a limb with his list of what defines a real man. I liked the list. But it made me ask myself the question, What makes a REAL WOMAN?

You would think that Mary Rogers, of all people, would have a machine gun style list of answers to this. Nada. Every phrase I came up with seemed to require a politically correct disclaimer like: A real woman can support herself, well, unless she is a stay at home mom with a husband paying the bills, which is fine, because being a mom is a full time job. Or... A real woman can change a tire, unless she just doesn't want to because she is wearing $400 Jimmy Choos and a short skirt, and she knows how to call her brother or the auto club.

I've asked several women about this question of what makes a real woman and they all found themselves doing the one step forward take back two as well. Why is this? I googled the question and found a blog with over 150 comments on the topic.

When you say "Real Man", you know what the ideal is. A manly yet sensitive guy with a good dose of integrity and red, white and blue running through his veins. What is the ideal of a Real Woman? The role of women has changed so drastically that we just don't know the baseline anymore. It has become taboo to tell a woman to want to be anything other than what she has chosen for herself. Is that good? Maybe. Is that bad? Dunno.

In polling women on the matter, a single word keeps popping up: confidence. A real woman is confident. Men and women are equally attracted to confident women. As long as confident doesn't ooze over the fine and subjective live into bitch.

Next week I will present a list of suggestions for filling in the sentence: A real woman_________. In the meantime, please comment freely, I'm confident you have an opinion!