Perspective in a waiting room

Not that I’m recommending this, but spending an afternoon in the Michigan Department of Human Service’s waiting room can certainly change your perspective. This is where people in need make their first contact for state aid.

My visit was for registry clearance (a background check) for service on a board of directors. The folks around me, not so fortunate. I struck up a conversation with a well-dressed woman a few years younger than me sitting in the next chair. I had assumed that the reason for her visit was something similar to my own. Not even close.

This woman, had spent her adult life married to a wonderful man since graduating from high school together. She hadn’t gone to college because they had planned for her to be a stay at home mom. Her goal in life, to be the perfect wife and mother. Beautiful children are born, a starter house becomes a larger home, vacations every year, life is easy, life is good. All going according to plan.

When her wonderful husband suddenly and unexpectedly died 2 months ago she discovered some things. No savings, no life insurance, no retirement fund, no equity in the beautiful home and lots and lots of debt. She received her husband’s final pay check, including untaken sick days and nothing more. Health insurance could be made available to her, short-term, at an astronomical price. She was at the DHS office trying to establish Medicaid for herself and her school-age children. As we continued talking, she filled me in on her current state: she had a temperature of 103, having been diagnosed the day before with double ear infections ( one ear drum had ruptured) at Urgent Care where they gave her a prescription which the pharmacist filled and then asked for $800.

Her saga continued, and you can only imagine the pile of hard reality at her feet. Bottom line: She said all she really wanted to do was lay down on the dirty floor and cry herself to sleep and wake up with the nightmare behind her. She knows that she needs to go to college and get training, but hasn’t figured out how to pay for it, much less pay for groceries to feed her family. In her wildest dreams, she never thought this hell would be her own life.

There are so many life lessons in this tale, and they are so blaringly obvious, I won’t even list them here. Sigh.

Workaholic or job-lover?

In the past 10 days, I have noticed a barrage of opinions coming my way on the issue of women's relationships with their careers. Authors I have interviewed for the show, magazine articles I've read for leisure, conversations with friends and in turn my own self-reflecting thoughts have turned to the question: What is the difference between:

1. a successful woman joyously obsessed with passion for her work, and;
2. a woman hiding from her emotions and intimate relationships by becoming unavailable through the demands of her job and in the meantime, becoming quite successful

Keeping in mind that women, by nature, are the guardians of relationships, have family relationships suffered because our attention is at the very least distracted, and at the most, completely elsewhere. According to Mary in the Morning guest Carla Wills-Brandon, author of Beyond the Chase, Breaking Your Obsessions That Sabotage True Intimacy, this is a rather new matter for family therapists. Workaholism has been the man's domain. Until now. Women who feel underappreciated at home can now garner the "Atta Girls" at work. And if they set their minds to it, get promotions and raises and awards. Nobody seemed to notice the folded laundry or clean wood floors much. But this, well this job thing, is fabulous! Her book highlights the various OCD behaviors we hide behind in order to avoid our emotions and intimate relationships.

In MORE Magazine's October issue, Amanda Robb interviews Mika Brzezinski, co-anchor of MSNBCs Morning Joe. Mika B was ready to chuck her career after falling down a flight of stairs, distracted by the adrenaline of her fast-paced career with her infant in her arms. After 8 hours, a medical team concluded that the most serious of the injuries to her daughter was a broken femur. Child protective services investigated and she was ready to accept the handcuffs and be thrown in the slammer. She also wanted to quit her job and stay home. She couldn't bear the guilt. CPS closed the case.

Mika opened a new chapter. Instead of staying home, she accepted the fact that she needed more help to maintain the career she loves. She says straight out that her career comes first right now. More nannies, more of Dad's time, less Mom. She is uncomfortable at times, but has had to fashion a life around her career, because she just loves her career. Her husband is very supportive of this lifestyle decision. Wow. I don't think I've ever met a mother willing to say "My career comes first". I've seen it, just never heard it.

Another voice, Stephanie Rockey, author of Ladies Listen Up! tells Mary in the Morning listeners that if they want to have a remarkably intimate and emotional relationship with their man, that when they come home from their powerful jobs in the business world, their first task should be to go change their clothes into something feminine for your man so he will see you as a woman and you can enjoy the connection between you as a man and a woman. That's enough to make some us very uncomfortable.

Even after almost 40 years of feminism, we still don't have this figured out. Have our relationships suffered because of our careers? Of course they have. Have our careers suffered because of our relationships? Again, of course they have. How many post-feminism generations will it take before we come to terms with what we've created. Not to mention the poor guys who live in the minefield of attitudes toward the modern woman. We expected men to adjust immediately when we ourselves still bumble through the mess of work and family.

Do you keep demanding of yourself to do a better job balancing it all? Do you criticize your inability to juggle it all? Feel guilty about loving your work more than your family responsibilities?

I remember my critical thought of Sarah Palin's campaign in light of the fact that she had an infant child with special needs. I questioned her priorities. None of my beeswax.

Sorry ladies, I have no answers to this. I do wonder what example we are showing our sons and daughters. Good? Bad? Clueless. Women over 40 are the petri dish occupants of this experiment. You've come a long way Baby! Yeah, thanks. Does anybody have a user's manual?

How much does FREE cost?

Marketing gurus and business owners are wrestling with the value of "free". What will free cost your business? Look around you, in fact, look right in front of you... your trusty computer. Why in the world would you buy an encyclopedia when you have the answer to any imaginable question right at your fingertips? Why pay for a newspaper subscription when you can access the same information online? Oh, how the world has changed.

In the world of blogging and web sites, newbies are encouraged and coached to give away as much as possible, holding back the one golden nugget that generates the revenue. We now give away our general knowledge in hopes of selling the application of that knowledge to your specific needs. Authors now provide the first chapter of many books online in hopes to reel you in for a sale. Does it work? Maybe.

What can brick and mortar businesses learn from this? Free has become the new discount. Retailers and professionals need to be creative to get customers to spend. Go Free!

Don't you love getting something for free? I do, for sure. I get my punch card punched for every cup of latte and oil change knowing I'm earning my freebie. I'm a very loyal (and very cheap) woman.

So what could your business do to go "Free"?

Some Tips on Free:

• Make it simple and easy
• Allow the customer to earn the free offer on their first visit
  
• Have it available to new and returning customers (never tick-off your current buyers)
  
• Birthday give aways are great!
• Build customers with "Bring a friend for free" promotions
  
• Give employees the authority to throw in a freebie, at their discretion
• If you ship items to customers, toss in a freebie, maybe some m&ms or a notepad
• Team up with a complementary business and exchange coupons for freebies
• Surprise a loyal customer with a no charge invoice on occasion. Just be sure to include the price then discount it back for a resulting "Balance Due: $0.00"
  
• Never insult their intelligence by offering something as free when it is universally understood that there won't be a charge. This is commonly done by financial planners offering a free initial consultation
• Remember that everyone loves a free car wash and free food!
  

My NOT to do list

Does your To Do List haunt you? Are there single items on your list that never go away? Maybe you don't even write it down anymore, you know it is there, sticking its tongue out at you.

My home office is a complete disaster area. It also serves as my closet, junk room and bio-hazard waste collection facility. I am not proud of this. I keep the door shut. I redeem myself by saying that it is on the top of my To Do List. The actual task on the list reads something like "Redo office". In my mind's eye I convert it into the perfect multi-functioning work space for me and my stuff, decorated by a professional designer with built in closets, a fabulous and spartan desk, the breeze making it's way through the sheer curtains billowing behind me as I prep for work or pay my bills. Is that lavender in the air?

I'm taking this off my To Do List. I beat myself up everyday about this complete and utter failure of mine. Instead, I am writing "Clean My Room" on my To Do List and "Renovate/redecorate/transform home office" now moves to the tippy top of my Not To Do List. I just can't take the pressure. We need to be realistic.

Would you feel relieved by taking one or two items off your To Do List? Are you really going to get to them anytime before the paper the list is on begins decomposing? Maybe you have a project at work that you want to get to when things slow down. Ha! Take it off the Good Girl To Do List and plant it where it belongs: the Not To Do List. Maybe you would be more comfortable with my Not To Do NOW List or perhaps my To Do Later List?

I'm looking at it this way, I have eliminated a distraction from getting my more important things done. We will all be more productive if we stay free of the quicksand of unrealistic chore lists.

Please feel free to use some of my Not To Do List items:

1. Organize an end of year class party for my daughter
2. Write a book this year
3. Organize all family photos and mementos into beautiful scrapbooks
4. Create a mission statement
5. Handwrite and send at least 10 thank you notes each week
6. Call distant relatives just to check in
7. Become a vegetarian
8. Become an athletic woman
9. Face up to the junk under my bed.
10. Run for political office
11. There's more, of course, but I have things that I DO have to do.