“Is it possible that she’s just plain stupid?

We all learned in kindergarten that STUPID is not a word you should ever use, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is the only word that works. Stranger yet, it may be the verdict you hope for.

Have you ever had a client, colleague or co-worker do something to you that was so nasty, unethical, under-handed, sneaky, dishonest, etc… that you had to stop for a moment and think to yourself “Is she just stupid or is she doing this on purpose?”.

My experience is that these moments first prompt head-shaking shock, you say “WHAT?”, as if you can’t comprehend what the person is doing/saying. In most cases you are initially stunned and then seek counsel from others. “Is she just stupid or is she doing this with full knowledge that she’ll be voted off the island for this?” It is the “Just exactly what am I dealing with here?” question.

As mature and polite members of society, we might first seek clarification directly from the offender with a question that sounds something like….   “Do you realize that I’ve worked for 2 years on that account and you are going to take food from my kid’s mouths if you continue this?” 

One of 2 things will happen here: 1) Confession of pure stupidity with profuse apologies for not having grasped the finer implications of her actions; or 2) Stone faced admission of “I don’t give a damn”.

And then the Trial of Character begins.

We seek character witnesses who can shed light on the likeliness of her stupidity or evil greed. Is there a history of other offenses? Any prior convictions? What is the word on the street about this person?

Here is the point in this: How would you stand up to a Trial of Your Character? Would it be the consensus of your peers that you are just being stupid (this is the desirable determination, by the way) or would others have stories about you demonstrating something less than the highest standards of ethics. “Yes Mary, you need to watch out for her”.

In this small town market, the Trial of Character can be completed in less than 10 minutes, without the accused ever knowing it happened. The more questionable the character, the longer the trial tends to last. More conversation, more gossip, more history, more damage…

I was called upon to be a character witness in such a trial this week. My experience with the accused was that she was of high integrity and this really must be a case of stupidity or ignorance or just not getting it. I was shocked to learn that when confronted she pulled the stone faced “I don’t give a damn”. Wow.

The problem with these situations is that now my impression of her is certainly called into question, I can’t really call her up and say “What????”, but I’m still hoping, that she is just stupid. Please just be stupid. Mary Rogers

How NOT to act old

Pamela Redmond Satran has penned a book called How Not to Act Old. I stumbled across her sage advice on More.com, the online version of MORE Magazine which "celebrates" women over 40. Click here to read offending list.

For the 40+ woman concerned that she's actually acting her age, don't do the following:

• Tweet about housework, enjoying time with your mate and family.
• Go to the beach well equipped with gear, food, things you need
• Wear socks to bed with your partner
• Cut your hair short
• Get nostalgic about what happened in the 80s
• Openly discuss hot flashes
• Give advice to young men

Well Ms. Satran, you are entitled to your opinion, and I'm quite sure that there are millions of self-conscious 40+ women getting sucked in, BUT! Damn you More Magazine, when are you going to get it? Size 0 models sporting the fashions we are supposed to desire, the Photo-shopped faces of 40+ women adorning your glossy pages, are making me sick.

Shouldn't celebrating  40+ be focused on celebrating reality? Or have the editors decided that the magazine is about teaching us old broads how to stay 25 or at least wish we could? There is a regular feature called This Is What 50 Looks Like: Madonna. Sure enough, there is a 50 year old female celebrity who has a stylist, personal trainer, nutritionist, full-time Botox administrator, a shelf of wigs photographed through gauze, and we look at her and sigh at our obvious defects.

So now I can't just look old, I also can't ACT OLD????? Hey, here's an idea... maybe More Magazine and Pamela Satran should stop using the word "old" like a dagger and start celebrating women over 40!

Your friend,
Mary Rogers, Age 46

Where's my comment?

Note from Blogger:  So you read a blog entry here, write a heartfelt comment and then can't see your post. What happened? What happened is I needed to start moderating comments after the Buy Viagra crowd started posting on Marigold Women Talking. Thank you, but our men our just fine the way they are. I've needed to start moderating comments for now. So sorry, I post every relevant comment. Just hate having commercial junk show up. If you can help me with this, please comment. Thanks, Mary

Answer your phone, you'll be amazed!

I met with a business owner friend from out of town last week to help her with some business troubles. Her very established business was feeling the squeeze from discounting internet-based competitors. A secondary concern was lagging employee morale, especially her sales team.

As we casually talked over a few hours, her cell phone was vibrating and beeping and and humming away. Even though I'd told her that I didn't mind if she dealt with business, she never so much as looked at her phone. It was starting to distract me as I grew concerned about why she was so "in demand". She assured me that it was like that 24/7, in fact she encouraged her customers and staff to just text her what they needed. She found it much more efficient to respond to texts, e-mails and voice messages. Her friends, collaegues, and even CUSTOMERS knew she didn't answer her phone. This was how she preferred to do business and run her business.

WHAT??

You can connect the dots between her business troubles and her communication habits. Maybe you are not so extreme, but I wager we can all learn a lesson from my friend. Answer the damn phone! Maybe even place a call yourself to check on a client. How about walking out of your office to a colleague's and asking how they're doing????

I am as guilty as anyone, letting our technology play our gatekeeper. Be careful or you will lose your relationship. When times get tough and everybody is shopping price, your only asset may be "the relationship". That relationship is with you, not your cell phone or Inbox.

Mary Rogers
Mary@GoMarigold.com

What is a Real Woman Part 2

Last week, we began the conversation "What is a Real Woman?", I suggest that you read that post to catch up with us. Readers replied here, on Facebook and in actual human conversation. The Instigator, Brett Gourdie, publisher of  NM3 Magazine has gotten a ton of response to his article "Real Men". So Brett is coming on Mary in the Morning this Thursday, January 14 at 7:30AM to discuss Real Women and take calls (231 929-1067).

Some of the best comments have included:

A Real Woman...doesn't care what she looks like when a child is crying, understands the value in not answering an email, has worn her child's macaroni necklace in public, has decided not to scold her husband at least once, treasures a mysterious conversation with a stranger in an airport bar, has more than one swimsuit that fits, knows where her safe deposit box key is, can do her own taxes, snow blow her own driveway and in a pinch mow the lawn. She can grill a steak, open a bottle of champagne and drag an armoire across the floor using a towel.

and another...

I think that being a Real Woman, if there is such a thing, is about acknowledging the unique power of ones femininity while showing strength and confidence in one's convictions. We have more power at our manicured fingertips than we know what to do with.

and another...

Nurturing, confident, self sufficient. A real woman lets the man open the door and helps with her coat. I real woman is assertive and knows there is never a second chance for a first impression. She balances work, family and community involvement.

 The vast majority of responses included a healthy nod to confidence and respect for herself and others. A real woman is confident in her role as a woman, whatever that may mean to her, and she is ruled by self-respect. What other women may choose for themselves is none of her business and she supports their decision.

I think it is much easier to be a Real Man than a Real Woman. The lines are drawn fairly clearly on the man gig. Women have a much tougher road, with traditional vs. modern roles. Not only must we carve our own path, we may be straying from our mother's path, which was our natural model to follow.All the while feeling quite criticized and judged by others. It is a big no-win, unless you believe 100% in yourself. Unwavering belief.


As for the stories about real men being bullied by women for whom they opened a door for... if these women had more self-confidence, they would see this as a gesture of respect, would smile and say "thank you".


Tune in to Mary in the Morning (106.7FM or 105.5FM or www.1067youfm.com) Thursday, January 14 at 7:30 to hear NM3 publisher, Brett Gourdie and Mary Rogers discuss Real Men vs. Real Women. Phone lines open at 231 929-1067.


 

What is a Real Woman?

Few things can leave me speechless. Not the kind of speechless where you have no comment whatsoever, but the kind of speechless where you have heard something, want to comment or respond, but all you can muster is an jaw-dropped pie hole. I'm looking for input here, from both men and women, so stay with me on this, okay?

Brett Gourdie wrote a great piece in his mag, NM3 about real men. He writes about teaching his son to hold the door for women and he laments the demise of common courtesy and respect in our society. Gourdie then ventures out on a limb with his list of what defines a real man. I liked the list. But it made me ask myself the question, What makes a REAL WOMAN?

You would think that Mary Rogers, of all people, would have a machine gun style list of answers to this. Nada. Every phrase I came up with seemed to require a politically correct disclaimer like: A real woman can support herself, well, unless she is a stay at home mom with a husband paying the bills, which is fine, because being a mom is a full time job. Or... A real woman can change a tire, unless she just doesn't want to because she is wearing $400 Jimmy Choos and a short skirt, and she knows how to call her brother or the auto club.

I've asked several women about this question of what makes a real woman and they all found themselves doing the one step forward take back two as well. Why is this? I googled the question and found a blog with over 150 comments on the topic.

When you say "Real Man", you know what the ideal is. A manly yet sensitive guy with a good dose of integrity and red, white and blue running through his veins. What is the ideal of a Real Woman? The role of women has changed so drastically that we just don't know the baseline anymore. It has become taboo to tell a woman to want to be anything other than what she has chosen for herself. Is that good? Maybe. Is that bad? Dunno.

In polling women on the matter, a single word keeps popping up: confidence. A real woman is confident. Men and women are equally attracted to confident women. As long as confident doesn't ooze over the fine and subjective live into bitch.

Next week I will present a list of suggestions for filling in the sentence: A real woman_________. In the meantime, please comment freely, I'm confident you have an opinion!

Not a program person!

Ready to make your New Years Resolutions? Going to quit smoking? Drinking? Overspending? Undervaluing yourself? Good luck with that.

I have a friend who is a "program person". You know the type: If weight loss is her goal, she writes a check to the gym, joins the 7AM Tuesday & 6PM Thursday step classes, purchases a bunch of sleek aerodynamic workout clothes, new bouncy shoes, buys the book "Grapefruit Fasts for Every Figure" and begins her countdown. After missing the first Thursday step class, she decides the whole thing is quite useless, the grapefruits are not as tasty as she recalls and she'll wait untill next January to try again. Let's call that a $650 effort toward her goal to lose 10 pounds.

We know the same people who do this with other quests. Want a new career? Take one semi-related class, buy some career books, buy a new resume software program, get tired of the whole idea, drop the class, use the books to hold a door ajar, blah, blah, blah.

Having been raised by a self-respecting AA drop out, I did pick up at least one useful tidbit of life guidance: Take things one day at a time. This is how addicts approach quitting. Just try to quit for today. If you need to start again tomorrow, cool. I feel the same way about weight loss, career planning, physical fitness, etc... Just look at today.

Try this at the start of your day: Have a list of 5 big picture goals for the year. Let's not even call them goals, that is way too much pressure. How about "My Things"? Maybe your My Things List includes

1. Better Marriage
2. Steadily Reducing Debt
3. Job Promotion
4. Organized and Tidy Kitchen
5. Be Healthier

Print about 15 copies of this sheet. Each day, have a goal to have taken at least one step toward one thing becoming a reality. An entry next to better marriage might be something like this...Kissed him before leaving for work. Write theses things down. How simple is that? Some days you may be a super-achiever and have several entries, wow! fantastic.

Here is my point with this: If you screw up, it is only one day! Each day we make thousands of minuscule decisions that impact our big picture Things. Just try to make mostly good decisions each day. Highly structured changes don't come easy. And grapefruit just gets plain old boring!